


My Achilles' Heel

by tarialdarion



Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz Week, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24823453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion/pseuds/tarialdarion
Summary: When Eddie’s chest starts feeling tight and heavy, he thinks nothing of it.He thinks “seasonal allergies”, “smoke inhalation”, “just a cold”. Besides, the intermittent ache in his chest seems to fade to the background when he is around Christopher and Buck, smiling and laughing with his two favorite boys. He’s healthy, he’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about.It isn’t until he coughs up the first petal that realization hits.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791022
Comments: 27
Kudos: 294





	My Achilles' Heel

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 5 of Eddie Diaz Week: Idiot Husbands
> 
> Yes, I know it's a day late.   
> Don't judge me.

When Eddie’s chest starts feeling tight and heavy, he thinks nothing of it.

He thinks “seasonal allergies”, “smoke inhalation”, “just a cold”. Besides, the intermittent ache in his chest seems to fade to the background when he is around Christopher and Buck, smiling and laughing with his two favorite boys. He’s healthy, he’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about.

It isn’t until he coughs up the first petal that realization hits.

-

Being confronted with the physical embodiment of your own unrequited love is jarring and Eddie chooses to ignore the potential catastrophe on his hands. He refuses to contemplate the thought that the soft, affectionate feeling blooming in his chest could make Christopher an orphan.

Hanahaki Disease.

Flowers blooming from the unrequited love sitting deep in his chest. Flowers that will grow and expand and choke him on his failure, his inability to be _enough_ for Buck to love.

He will literally die from his own failings.

Funny how his parents were so insistent that he not drag Christopher down, and yet Eddie will do just that in spite of how hard he tried, how much he threw himself into being what Christopher needed.

In his darkest moments, Eddie hates Buck. He hates the way Buck freely gives himself to everyone, throwing himself fully into helping others and keeping people safe. He hates the way Buck’s eyes light up with excitement when he sees Christopher. He hates the way the LAFD uniform hugs Buck’s biceps perfectly, making Eddie’s breath catch in his lungs with how badly he _wants_.

He hates how easily he fell in love and he hates how much he doesn’t regret it.

But then Buck smiles at him, plops down next to him on the cough, and starts chattering excitedly about something and Eddie forgets to hate with how much he loves.

-

Despite the ache in his chest and the pain that arcs through his throat, Eddie can’t help but need to be close to Buck. Every part of him feels pulled towards Buck with an inexorable force, as if being at Buck’s side is ultimately inevitable, something he couldn’t fight even if he wanted to.

The petals aren’t very frequent these days, but Eddie knows enough about the disease to acknowledge that it won’t last. At some point, he will be coughing up full blossoms and then he will have to pull away, have to let Buck go completely. But until then, he clings to their friendship, their closeness even though he’s choking with longing.

Life moves on, even as Eddie forces himself to come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have much time. He takes Christopher and Buck hiking where they take silly pictures until his chest aches with laughter instead of desperation, to the zoo where Buck lets Christopher ride on his shoulders and Eddie can’t help but smile as he discreetly dumps handfuls of petals into the trash cans, Sunday lunch with Abuela where he urges Buck to learn family recipe secrets so that Chris will still have them when he’s gone.

He updates his will, asks Buck tentatively to take care of Christopher and carefully doesn’t let the petals escape when Buck hugs him in gratitude and cries into his shoulder.

He won’t let this weakness spreading through his body stop him from living, from giving Buck and Chris everything before he leaves them alone and brokenhearted. Even though Buck doesn’t love him like that, Eddie is not so delusional that he doesn’t know how much their little family unit means to Buck. How much Buck will break and rage when he dies choking on the one thing Buck can’t give him.

-

Eddie knows what the flowers symbolize, had looked them up when he first starts coughing up the blossoms.

Blue anemone.

Abandonment. Sickness. Vanishing hopes.

Death.

All in bright blue to mock his love, mock the shining blue eyes that make his heart skip a beat.

Life can be cruel.

-

Karen finds him outside one night during a dinner with his family (his chosen family, the one that will support and love Christopher when he’s gone), clutching at the wall while he heaves petals onto the ground. He turned at the soft sound she makes, brushing bright blue flowers from his lips. Her face is filled with a sadness and understanding as she holds out a tissue. He takes it shakily, nodding in thanks as he wipes at the blood clinging to the corner of his mouth.

“Are you going to tell him?” She asks quietly, moving closer to help steady him as another coughing fit rattles his bones. It shouldn’t surprise Eddie that she already knows who he’s tearing himself apart for.

“I can’t,” he admits quietly, staring at the ground. “I tried kissing him once and he pushed me away.”

Karen makes a surprised noise and Eddie shrugged. “That’s strange,” she says, “Hen and I thought…”

Eddie barks out a short, bitter laugh, clutching the bloody tissue in his hand. “I did too.”

He rests his head back against the wall, staring up at the night sky, absently counting the stars and tasting blood in the back of his throat. Karen puts a hand on his shoulder, providing a small amount of comfort that Eddie is pathetically grateful for in the moment, before she walks back inside.

A sudden bolt of panic overtakes Eddie and he calls after her, “You can’t tell him.” She halts. “You can’t tell anyone.” Her shoulders stiffen and Eddie feels desperate. “Please.”

She looks over her shoulder and gives him a sad smile, aiming for encouraging but both of them knowing it misses by a mile. “Okay.”

Eddie takes a breath and coughs.

-

His doctor looks at him pityingly and something in Eddie rears up in defense, still needing to reject any possible weakness in himself.

“I just need to know my options,” Eddie bites out, “I have a son.”

The pitying look changes to one of sympathy and understanding and Dr. Romero nods, turning and rummaging through a drawer in the exam room. She brings out a pamphlet that had clearly been shoved to the back of the drawer and forgotten about.

_Hanahaki Disease: Removal Options_

“I thought there was no cure,” Eddie says, staring down at the colorful, outdated pamphlet.

Dr. Romero nods. “This isn’t a cure,” she agrees, “it’s a surgery.” Eddie’s eyes snap up to hers, and she taps the short block of words on the front page. “It will remove all traces of the,” she grimaces, clearly searching for a delicate way to phrase _unrequited, hopeless love_ , “ _feelings_ and you’ll live.”

Eddie looks back down at the pamphlet, mind spinning. For the first time in a long time, he feels a semblance of something that isn’t quite hope, but relief. Relief that there’s a solution that doesn’t leave Chris an orphan.

“Does it,” he clears his throat, forcibly pushing out the words he shies away from, “does it remove _all_ feelings for the person?”

Dr. Romero looks at him sadly. “There isn’t a lot of research to say what exactly the patient feels after the surgery,” she clarifies, “the disease is still exceedingly rare. However, most patients who choose surgical removal report increased quality of life and little regret.”

Little regret.

For some reason, those words resonate bitterly in his mind.

-

His only option is removal and soon, before the flowers tear into his lungs and cause permanent damage. Eddie knows this but when he thinks about tearing out the pulsing softness in his chest, everything in him rebels against the idea.

In a moment of hopeless bitterness, he thanks his father for all those admonishments to “be a man” and “life isn’t fair, suck it up” as his ironclad control over his emotions is the only thing making life bearable.

Being around Buck is hard and keeping the petals hidden from both him and Christopher is even harder, particularly during weekly movie night when Buck’s shoulder is brushing against his and Eddie can barely speak for the flowers pushing against his lips. After Buck leaves, the worried lines on his forehead growing deeper as Eddie withdraws from him, Eddie runs to the kitchen and throws up flower after flower until he’s shaking with exertion.

“Dad?”

Eddie wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and looks up to see his son watching from the doorway, fear filling his wide eyes. “Hey, buddy,” he says, swallowing back against the petals itching to fill his mouth.

“Are you okay?” Christopher walks closer, tentative and scared at the sight of his father throwing up blood.

Eddie closes his eyes briefly, hating himself for making Christopher worried. He looks at Christopher and forces a smile, reaching out and pulling him into a tight hug. “I will be,” he vows. It’s long past time to schedule the surgery.

-

At the end of his next shift, he pulls Bobby aside and explains that he needs some time off. Bobby’s brow furrows with worry and Eddie hastens to reassure him that it’s a simple medical procedure while avoiding details.

“All right, Eddie, you can have the time off,” Bobby says, keeping his steady gaze on Eddie until he’s squirming under the scrutiny, “but you have to tell us if you need anything at all.”

Eddie acquiesces, ready to be done with the conversation before the flowers threatening to rise in throat come falling out, his secrets displayed for Bobby to see. It’s not that he wants to hide this from his family, it’s that, like Karen, they would know who the blossoms represented, and someone would inevitably tell Buck. Buck can’t ever know.

Eddie refuses to be another reason why Buck hates himself. He only ever wants to give Buck good things, happy memories, feelings of acceptance.

He walks to the locker room, ready to change and go home, before doubling over with a coughing fit that wracks his body to the core. He holds a hand up to his mouth, catching the blood dribbling out between flowers and trying to keep quiet so he doesn’t attract any undue attention.

“Hey, Eddie, I was wondering if you and Chris – “ Buck wanders into the room behind him and Eddie freezes in panic before another agonizing cough strikes him and a bright blue flower covered in drops of blood falls to the floor.

The complete and utter horror that seizes his entire being is almost enough to halt the heaving breaths he’s attempting to take. There’s no way Buck didn’t notice that.

He’s not steady enough to turn and face Buck, but it doesn’t matter as Buck is already rushing to his side, gently grasping his arms to help him stay grounded and Eddie is practically hysterical from Buck’s proximity and the lack of oxygen to his lungs. Once his breaths have calmed, he shoves the bloody petals and flowers in his hands into his pockets and shifts awkwardly. Buck lets go of him to crouch down and caress the flower still lying on the floor. Eddie watches Buck’s face, feeling detached and weary as realization arcs through Buck’s features like lightning and he straightens, hand clutching the bloody prize.

When Buck holds up the bloodstained flower, Eddie notes hazily that his eyes are wide and filled with anger. “Who,” he chokes out, shoving the blossom in Eddie’s face, “who won’t love you?”

_It’s you_ , Eddie thinks somehow through the worry clouding his brain, the way his lungs keep stretching and heaving to find air around the petals clogging his throat, _It will always be you_.

But he says nothing, can say nothing as when he opens his mouth, all that falls from it is flowers.

Buck lets loose a strangled cry and pushes Eddie against the wall. “You can’t leave me,” he begs, grabbing Eddie’s face in his hands, eyes searching for the truth.

Eddie shakes his head. “You can’t fix this, Buck,” he rasps out, hands coming up to gently encircle Buck’s wrists.

Buck bows his head, shoulders shaking, and Eddie lets him, pressing his lips together to keep the blood-flecked flowers from spilling out, ruining the moment. Buck raises his head once his shoulders have stilled and Eddie ponders the sudden light of determination in his eyes.

“I can’t let you go,” he breathes, and Eddie barely has time to wonder what Buck means before Buck’s lips were on his, forceful and demanding.

Eddie sinks into the kiss, is helpless not to, helpless in the face of Buck’s complete attention. Buck pulls back, staring at Eddie, and Eddie lets go of one of his wrists to thumb away a small fleck of his blood lingering at the corner of Buck’s mouth.

Buck leans forward and brushes his lips across Eddie’s and Eddie feels lightheaded. “I love you,” Buck murmurs against Eddie’s mouth and the tight band around his chest vanishes so quickly it makes Eddie’s head spin.

For the first time in months, Eddie can breathe.

-

“Can I ask you something?” Buck says tentatively as Eddie brushes his hair back from his face, laying curled up together on Eddie’s bed.

Eddie hums in response and feels Buck take a deep breath. “Where you really going to have the surgery?”

Ah.

“You found the pamphlets.”

Buck pushes himself off Eddie’s chest to look him in the eyes. “They weren’t hidden,” he says, staring Eddie down.

Eddie shrugs. “I couldn’t leave Christopher alone.”

Buck makes a small noise in the back of his throat, sitting up fully and turning away from Eddie. Eddie pushes himself onto his elbows, waiting for Buck to explain his reaction. “Was it really so hard to believe that I could love you?” Buck’s voice is quiet, muted and Eddie feels his heart twist.

He sits up as well, staring out at the darkened room, arms resting on his knees. “You pushed me away,” he answers, almost afraid to hear Buck’s response but still needing to know _why_.

Buck makes another soft sound, one that sounds like heartbreak, and shifts to face Eddie. Eddie refuses to look Buck in the eyes again, doesn’t want to confront what he’s afraid is there.

“I thought you were drunk,” Buck admits, reaching forward to brush his fingers across Eddie’s cheekbone. “We were at the bar, and you were drinking, and then you leaned in and all I could think was ‘not like this’.”

Relief rushes through Eddie, burning away his lingering fear and worry. He leans in and Buck meets him halfway for a kiss.

And Eddie lives.

**Author's Note:**

> y'all better be grateful that Jules and Jamie convinced me to not go with the unhappy ending. Although if there's enough interest, I might add it as like an "extra" chapter for all those who want the angst.  
> Find me on [tumblr](https://tari-aldarion.tumblr.com/)


End file.
